He wasn't a jerk. Me neither.

The last time I ride a train on my way back to my brother's place, I fall asleep. Bounced and wrongly exited at Bandar Tun Razak. At the very moment I tapped my touch n go card to get out of the station, I was like "the fuck you were thinking dude?".

Oh. I forgot. I wasn't thinking at all. I was sleeping. Fuck me.

In between Bukit Ampang and AF8 Shahir's 'Kebahagiaan Dalam Perpisahan', I act like a goddamn Japanesse amateur. And so, so.

A 'no' from a card player always come with the possibilities of 'yes'. Notable when it is red-blooded-empty heart placed on the betting circle. What you need is an undead pulse and suicidal seduction.

I lost. And fuck, I hate Akademi Fantasia. So, so.

Fighting for nothing.

I did something which I really don't prefer today. Misplacing my glasses at where it shouldn't never be put. I planned myself a riot. I did actually. Trying to teach myself a lesson. So that I know there's a place to stop and so a time to drop.

Hell, I am fighting. For an absolute nothing. A pretty fucked up.

Still.

Relentless attention : Missing a miss.

I've got an idea but it was too much to talk. So I screamed the fuck word. Harsh and loud.

What was it like to be sixteen again? When everything was just in between. Too naive to talk back. And so too young to even understand.

I am missing my time. Godly.

That punk dude is now my idol. His girlfriend too.

I remember one of my teachers told my mother that he had not yet seen the direction of my life. What course should I pick. What will I be when I grow up. Et cetera. Et cetera. I'm quite sure that it must have been related to my additional math and modern math grade, which both written in red.

I watch this flicks about a guy who didn't even bother to do anything other than living his life. And he is living his life on only his self-need basis. Which is doing thing he want to. You know, enjoying much of his life time.

He got a cute girlfriend lives with him. They looks for money only when needed, i.e: to pay rent, buy cigar, drug and food. Wasted it all the time. Starve when they feel they need to. Steal if they had to. An absolute punk I'll say.

It was just a damn movie but still it was kind of admiring since that's what I think a life is all about.

Let's see what will I do after my graduation. An actor?

Oh Fuck.

A corn for breakfast. A star for supper. I choosed not to talk to strangers.

Few days ago, this old friend of mine told me; that her heart is hard. So hard that no one can put a scratch to it. Up until it melting for this asshole. I just stood there smiling, wishing those asshole she falls in love with, all the best as I don't expect the beautiful lips of her to spell out my name. No. I leaned back and gave her another smile. A smirk that annoyed her enough as she brought my face away from her.

A bit shocked actually. It always occurred to me of becoming the first to know about her great love story. To know the name of the guy she surrendered her heart to. And by being the first gave me so much joy. I saw her living her life, hard. Day by day, digesting the taste of disappointment. It is too obvious that I couldn't hide my relieveness to know it was my friend she fall for. Too happy for it.

Fuck. I'm talking shit again and again. Let's just read between the lines. Ok?

By the way, my heart is hard too. Lol.

The sun lightens our hair but darkens our skin.

I was at the mamak stall, as always watching some game when this fellow came up with this idea of us being racist. And my mind start to wander, evaluating itself whether me myself have this racist thingy inside?

Hell, I'm not. Pretty sure of that.

It just how many time already had I encountered an accident without asking "melayu ke india?" at the first place.

Damn curious, huh?

A single hurt won't kill but lots of it will do. And I nodded as I beg to differ.

Through this few days I realized that being emotional and hard on myself would bring nothing. I used to learn life the easier way before. Too easy that I can hardly remember my enemy. But that's the life I would prefer. A life where I savior only my own.

Arrogant they would say. Why would they care actually.

A sudden occasion changed me. Ruined a lot. 'Everything happen for a reason' sound so fucking lame but still hard to disagree. Yup. Nothing in this world happen for no reason. Even coincidence have reason written all over it.

Fate? I know what that is.

One of the thing I got from my economic class is opportunity cost. The basic concept where I have to forgo this in order to get that. Waiving the A thing for the B thing. Got it?

Just what if I forgo something that I could impossibly reclaim. What's next then?

Regret? Yeah. They always come last. Lol.

This is who we are.

The day when one of my mates tell me how he think he looks like some kind of stupid premature corny kiddo dress in that mighty-tighty black pant with that silver shiny slim shoes,

I can't help but screams "at last!!". Inside.

Fuck.

That's why I hate Monday.

It was an ordinary Monday morning, with me, an ordinary guy waking up to my own extraordinary world. I march into the kitchen, looking for some snacks to fill my starving stomach, my breakfast. To my disappointment, I watch three packs of instant noodle greeting me in Brits accent.

I don't usually take my breakfast. Ok. Fair enuff. I actually missed it. Always.

And I hate Monday.

The same way I hate those politicians for their not-walking-the-talk attitude. They promised a better future for everyone and I wait. They said that thing going to get well very soon and I wait. They told me that the old thing going to be replace with new one; a better one and I wait. Still.

Only to realize that it was already Sunday.

Much like today. Another Monday.

Sigh.